When a personal relationship ends, the parties often want to go their separate ways and never have to communicate with each other again. However, if those parties have children together or have continuing financial obligations toward each other, they will have to interact with each other even after their personal relationship ends. While some parties are able to remain amicable toward each other and have cordial and productive communication, others have more difficulty figuring out how to communicate in a way that is not hostile. Sometimes, the communication difficulties are due to both parties’ inability to communicate productively, but often the problem is that one party is attempting to communicate reasonably but the other is not willing or able to do so. Sometimes the “difficult party” is making a conscious choice to be difficult, but there are also situations in which the “difficult party” is being difficult due to a mental health issue or a personality disorder. Whether the “difficult party’s” unwillingness or inability to communicate productively is due to some condition outside of their control or is due to a decision to be difficult, that leave the other party in the position of figuring out how to continue to have necessary conversations. Dealing with each other in a hostile manner is rarely, if ever, productive and often leads to the parties having to return to court to deal with issues that result from their inability to communicate with each other. While there is no exhaustive list of ways to encourage productive communication and ways to avoid hostility, there are several approaches that you can employ to lessen the tension or to defuse a potential problem. Here are some helpful hints to try when you are dealing with an ex-spouse or ex-partner with whom you would rather not be communicating.
- When asking for input or for a decision from the other party, offer a set number of options instead of asking an open-ended question. For example, if visitation needs to be altered, you can ask your ex whether he would rather have the new exchange day on Monday or Tuesday instead of asking what day he wants to move the exchange day to. Limiting the options can reduce conflict.
- Know the power of silence. Continuing to engage in a dispute when it’s clear that no progress is going to be made is counterproductive and will often cause the other party to dig in deeper to their position and make it less likely that they will back away from that position later. You can take control and diffuse the situation by refusing to engage or refusing to continue a heated conversation. Additionally, if you are dealing with someone who is prone to argue just for the sake of arguing, your refusal to continue the argument will take the wind out of their sails.
- If you cannot end the conversation before it gets too heated, and if the other party becomes angry, instead of continuing with an angry back and forth, stop and calmly ask the other party if they can rephrase their position to help you understand it better. When you ask someone to rephrase, it can make them stop and think about what they are saying.
- If despite your efforts to have a calm and productive conversation the other party insists on yelling, tell them that you do not believe that your conversation is productive and that you are going to stop talking now and suggest that you reconvene later after you have both had a chance to think about things.
- Keep a record of conversations and communications. Save the texts and emails. With this documentation at hand, you will have something to point to later if a disagreement arises about what someone said in the past.
- At the end of a conversation, offer a summary to the other party. Something like “we talked about this and decided that – is that your understanding.” You can also follow up an in-person or phone conversation with something in writing to summarize your understanding of what was discussed and decided. Making sure that everyone is on the same page after a conversation and having a record for later can help you get ahead of problems.
While no one likes to engage in communication with a difficult person, and while it can be exhausting to be the “better person” when communicating with a difficult person, it is worthwhile to be the one who engages in rational conversation. If your case is contentious, it’s probable that you will end up back in front of a Judge at some point and when you are telling the Judge about communication difficulties, it’s going to help your case if you are able to show the Court that you are not the one who is making the interactions difficult.
