Going through a divorce is both a mentally and emotionally draining experience. Ideally, you will have an attorney from Collins Family & Elder Law Group guiding you through the process and advocating for you, which should help reduce your stress. But if you and your spouse share children, your kids are also going through a very difficult time. Here are 7 tips for how to help your children navigate this experience and even thrive in the face of it.
- Take care of yourself first. We’ve all heard it on every flight we’ve ever taken. If the cabin loses pressure, you should put on your own oxygen mask first, before assisting others. The same applies here – if you aren’t taking steps to engage in self-care and manage your own emotions and stress during this time, you won’t be in any position to help your kids through it. This can be as simple as taking a daily 20-minute walk to clear your head, or it can mean committing to weekly therapy sessions, where you can process your feelings and gain valuable coping skills.
- Look elsewhere for emotional support. You and your children may have a close bond and be emotionally vulnerable around each other. That can be healthy, but in this specific instance, your children can’t be your shoulders to cry on. Instead, look to other family members and friends, or ideally to a professional counselor, who can provide you with much-needed support. Children should never feel responsible for their parents’ mental wellbeing.
- Have a designated venting location. Even when you don’t think your kids are listening, they are. Therefore, it’s best to get in the habit of avoiding speaking negatively about your ex when inside your home. Of course you’ll need to vent, but that’s where those therapy sessions or even dinner with a close friend can do the trick. Allowing yourself a designated, private, physical space to talk through negative feelings will make it much easier to avoid doing so when your children are nearby.
Why is this so important? Well, your kids likely take pride in the fact that they’re a part of both you and your ex. In happier times, you may even have mentioned to them how much they reminded you of the other parent. Keeping that in mind, it’s easy to understand how a negative comment about their other parent can feel, to your child, like a personal attack on them.
- Keep your children informed, but on a “need to know” basis. Some children may be very aware of what’s going on with your divorce, and many will ask you questions or even demand information. As much as they may desire to be in the loop, though, even older kids don’t need to know anything about the actual litigation process or what was said by parents, attorneys, or the judge in pleadings or in court. On the other hand, it is important to give your kids advanced notice of any outcomes that directly affect them, such as changes to their daily schedules or routines, so that they can appropriately process and adjust to these changes. This is “need to know” information, and it should generally be the only information you’re sharing with your kids about the divorce process.
- Be vigilant without interrogating. If your kids are going back and forth between your and your ex’s homes, it’s only natural for you to miss them or have concerns about what’s happening when they’re away. However, if you question your kids after every visit, they may feel that you want them to find fault with the other home, that they’re responsible for gathering information for you, or even that they have a reason to be afraid of the other parent. This can be emotionally damaging to kids. On the other hand, if there’s a chance your children are being mistreated or put in dangerous situations, it’s quite reasonable for you to want to protect them. The best way to handle this is to make clear to your kids up front that you’re always there for them if something is upsetting them OR if they have something positive to share. One way to do this would be to regularly engage your children in the Rose and Thorn activity.After time apart, you and your children can each share with each other the best thing that happened or thing you most enjoyed during that time (the Rose), and the worst thing that happened or thing you least enjoyed about that time (the Thorn.)
- Hire them their own professional. Change is difficult at any age. Although children are resilient, there are bound to be times when your kids are having difficulty adjusting to their “new normal.” Many children will benefit from processing a separation or divorce in a therapeutic setting, and this should be with a provider who is not also your therapist. Even the child who is resistant to formal therapy at first will often find it a relief to have a place to talk through their feelings openly, with the knowledge that these conversations will be kept private. In rarer cases (generally those where your child is being physically, mentally, or emotionally harmed), your child may need their own legal advocate. Speak with your attorney about whether a Guardian ad Litem or best interest attorney would be appropriate in your case.
- Spend quality time and have fun with them! Childhood can be such a carefree time which, quite frankly, can never be replicated in adulthood. Remember that, while your divorce may seem all-consuming to you, your children need some time to just have fun and be kids. Take advantage of the increased one-on-one time with them to appreciate the simple joy of each other’s company.
If you start consistently following these tips, you’ll likely notice that, not only are your children benefitting from it, but you are too.
